Status: Stasis

It's been hard lately and I don't quite really know why.

I think most of it is caused by the weather. Munich, for the past 2 weeks, has been trapped under a low-pressure blanket of gray clouds that (every two hours) emit a powerful rainstorm, drenching all bikers. There has been no day without a downpour, or at least the sort of low-level drizzle that happened yesterday, where it's so cold that the water droplets seem to float in the air, making one's clothes feel like a slightly-used washcloth.

Because of this, everyone has been using the U-Bahn. Because of the ridiculous amount of money I have spent on bikes lately (later post, but the running total: around 200 dollars for something that is constantly about to kill me), I have resisted buying a monthly ticket (around 50 dollars) in favor of buying occasional day passes when the rain is just too much (around 8 dollars) or "Schwarzfahren", which is something Germans only whisper about. Apparently every citizen here feels it is their civic duty to buy a rail pass, and the only people who hop on the train dishonestly are, like me, foreigners and cheats.

Foreigners and cheats who are, at this point, being caught regularly. Nader told me a while ago that the scary train inspectors only come on one day early in the month -- that he's had his ticket checked THREE TIMES in the EIGHT MONTHS he's studied here -- so I figured a little schwarzfahren would not do anyone any harm. I was wrong. I haven't been caught yet, but many people have. And this month, because of the rain, they've been checking sporadically every DAY, or so I hear from all my frightened friends. I am ergo too scared to take the U-bahn, and remain damp and muscular from biking.

The clouds sort of sink down over the city as I pedal along, and seem to sap everyone's bits of happiness and motivation, or at least mine. It's as if our winter coats are trapping us in stasis, keeping us from doing anything -- this is my excuse for why I don't as of yet have a job. According to Nader, in Germany, they're practically GIVING jobs away; they'd love to have me; all I have to do is walk up there and ask them; but walking up there requires not only that I bike out through the cold, but that I know the German for "Hi.... will you hire me?" which is an awkward opening sentence in English, let alone in broken, stammering Deutsch. I feel that my German personality is not yet developed enough that anyone would want to have me work with their customers.

Then there's the problem of my clothes, which would not lend themselves to the impression that I am a responsible, non-hobo human being. It's been five months. I have acquired sweatpants, a sweatshirt, a skirt, and two fancy dresses here in Europe. This would be fine -- I came here with a fairly elegant wardrobe, it would seem that these pieces might accentuate what I've got rather than frustrate me with their inability to match any of it.

But one must remember that I've journeyed across the continent. I've worked on a pig farm and walked miles to school in Irish rain. I bike everywhere. My sweaters have holes in them. My pants have worn, tattered crotches from the bike seat. My dresses are stretched and stained, my tank tops inadequate and unwearable in drizzle. I am usually fairly pulled-together in Morris, where things are cheap and easily findable, but here I look like a homeless person next to all the chic European girls in their slouchy boots and aviator jackets.

Saleswomen follow me around the stores as I wander in. ,,Kann ich Ihnen helfen?" they inquire over their noses, pointedly, as they try to figure out what exactly I'm here to steal.

,,Nnnein," I stammer, idly touching a few beautiful, well-constructed garments with the tips of my fingers, like the Little Match Girl would a windowpane. I flip over a price tag and calculate the conversion rate in my head. My eyes widen. $75 for a tank top....

,,Danke," I yell, and run to the next store, where inevitably the same thing happens.

I have a lot of free time, as a result of my avoiding stores and work and rain. Some of the time is spent giggling with JYMers in coffee shops -- great! But other people are in class a lot of the time -- I can't figure out how my schedule wound up so empty, since I'm taking as many credits as the rest of them are, even if one class literally expects me to do nothing but show up and take notes every week.

Therefore, I wind up spending many days like today, Friday, my class-less day.

I woke up, thought, wrote, returned emails, checked my notifications on facebook, watched an episode of 30 Rock, cursed the rain, put laundry in, washed dishes, made breakfast, looked at cheerful photos of people graduating in the sunlight on facebook, listened to This American Life, cleaned the closet, did something -- but what? -- on facebook, hung things on the clothesline, made lunch, tried to find cheap railway tickets to Paris, failed, piled the dishes on the counter, scrubbed my desk, and am now writing this blog entry.

Like the clouds, I have no plans to move anywhere else -- to find that job, to seek a friend, because like the clouds, I am pressed down in this city, spreading a low-level drizzle all over this room. I'm not moving until they do.

"I hope you're having the time of your life!!!" my friends say cheerfully on my wall, and at that moment it doesn't seem like I'm leaving in two months, rather never.