Reasons Why the U-Bahn Sucks

1. Reason number one has to be the vapid, vast, unchanging unenthusiasm of the train drivers, people whose job it is to sit in the dark for however many hours long their shift is, hit the brakes and gas, and go, "Bitte umsteigen..." in different discouraged-sounding tones of voice. Some trains have automated systems that announce things for the drivers. The one we take to the university most decidedly does not, and seems to hire the saddest people.

2. You are constantly waiting for something. Waiting for the next train (if you can find it -- see #4), waiting for this train to end. It's like a parody of life.

3. The awkwardness of sitting in a square with three people you do not know and trying not to make eye contact with them. Everyone attempts to avoid each other's gaze, but the problem is that there's absolutely nothing else to look at. Needless to say, the line between idle staring and flirtatious oogling is thin.

4. I cannot find the next train. Ever. The signs are unhelpful, and all the station names sound the same. Maybe I'm just dumber underground, or something.

5. All I can think sometimes is, "Sarin gas! Sarin gas!"

6. The dim, unflattering lighting of all the trains and stations makes one feel as if one is on the train to hell, surrounded by the damned. Maybe one is.

7. Despite this, there are so, so many very very stylish women taking public transportation. When one is sitting with frizzy hair in one's ancient WWOOFing jeans and a rather strange jacket, the lady next to one with a purse that matches her boots AND her shirt must feel disdain.

8. There are also a lot of gorgeous men who come into my life for two subway stops and then leave.

9. In the stations, every stand sells pretzels. Every one. How do they do that? How do they stay in business? How do I know which stand's pretzels are best, or are they all in league, sold from the same distributor? If so, why are they different prices? Are they cheaper near worse trains? Is that how we know? How do I get off this train of thought? Was my stop three stops ago?

10. Dietlindenstrasse. Nobody gets on... nobody gets off.

11. A guy next to me today had a massive cardboard box on the train with him. I had neither the German or the courage to ask him why. Plus, he seemed to be staring the passengers down, just daring someone to say anything.

12. People get weirded out when you pet the dogs they bring with them onto the train. And the dogs are always adorable and well-behaved... I wish they were mine. (Similar feeling to #8, actually.) Interesting fact: one dog on the U-bahn is free with your ticket, but two are going to cost you.

13. Today, instead of a goose, I ran into a child. I was booking it towards my train to have my appointment with my professor to pick my classes and decide my future, and it was about to leave, and I guess my gaze was focused firmly on the departing closing doors and not on the ground in front of me because WHACK, something hit me in the leg, something that felt like a nose.

I yelled "Entschuldigung!" and then I saw I'd hit a three-year-old, who was holding his mother's hand, and wasn't a piece of luggage like I'd thought he was. Still, I was on autopilot, and I rushed into the train and sat down. It was instantly silent. I imagined that everyone was staring at me. Then I realized what a horrible thing I'd done, and looked over my shoulder out the window to see his mother escorting him onto the elevator, glaring furiously at my back through the train glass.

14. I really, really, really need a bike instead.